When your life is falling apart from divorce: how to heal now

Updated: Nov 17

Parinaz Shams


Sit down, get your journal open, and take a breath because we are getting DEEP.


Let’s find out what's really going on when it feels like your life is falling apart after a bad divorce or a break-up with a partner, spouse, even a close friend.


Now, this is something near and dear to me. I have experienced more than once the feeling like my entire life was fully being pulled apart at the seams because of my relationship.


And if you are someone who has gone through this or is currently going through this I want you to pause, take a deep breath. Trust that you are okay and you are not alone.


My personal ambition for this blog post is to bring you some clarity. Also, you can listen to this topic on my Podcast. Now, Let's dive in.



When your life is falling apart, it's undeniably a very disorienting, very scary, and uncomfortable place to be because everything you've worked so hard for, everything that you've been putting in place, is not working.

It makes the rest of your life feel like it’s about to snap, too. Your job performance. Relationship with friends, other family members. Kids if it applies. It all goes on ice.

Here are the 2 main reasons your life feels like it's about to snap in the midst of a relationship ending:


1. You’ve given your heart, your trust, loyalty, and time to another person only to find out:


  • Your relationship isn't what you thought it was.


  • The person that you committed yourself to has now turned their back on you.


  • The person you love, the person you share yourself with turns out to be something other than what you expected.



2. The reality that YOU created and chose for yourself now feels like a lie, which makes you mistrust + judge yourself.


When kindness escapes other people, you feel like they betrayed your trust in them.


You say, “How can this person suddenly be so cold, so heartless, and no longer care for me at all?”


What I’ve found to be true, is although that person’s sudden ice shoulder does hurt you,

the actual pain you feel deep down in your gut is because you feel that you have betrayed YOURSELF.


As you watch your former partner/spouse turn cold, you realize you chose them.


This means you must have missed something along the way, which then means you let yourself down along the way, knowingly or unknowingly.

And you beat yourself up by saying, “How could I have been so stupid?” “What is WRONG with me?!”


Then the shame, self-blame, and guilt set in….


Am I right? Have you felt that before?


This is where we start to mistrust ourselves…


We walk around after the relationship wounded...saying things like:


“I don’t trust men.” or “All women are crazy."


But really what's going on is that we can’t make sense of our own feelings of self-betrayal.


So, we don’t date. We self-medicate. We hold back. We shut down….


But if you can get honest with yourself…really see that your pain is not the other person at all, but it's your need to forgive yourself for the mistake you think you made, you’re ready to heal.


In that same moment, you’re ready to love again.





But, what if that moment of seeing yourself and moving beyond the hurt and the anger feels really far away?


Well, that's ok. I've been there, too. Wanting to not be angry and closed off, but feeling so hurt and exhausted I didn't know what else to do.


As you're sitting there emotionally exhausted, wounded, and wondering how you got here….


Feeling so unclear as to how it started and where you went wrong...


That is called being "pinned to the wall by life."

This is a moment we absolutely DREAD.


We have to start over, but we aren't sure we know how. We don't trust our own choices + intuition and we live in fear of the past repeating.


We have to reshape reality and it doesn’t seem fair or even possible because of how deserted + depleted we feel at the moment.


Sound like you? Like somewhere you’ve been?

As I said, me too. My relationships have fallen apart more than once. It was a pattern in my life, actually for a long time,


Before I understood what it actually meant when things fall apart.


One romantic partner after another would end in lying, deceit, heart-breaking anger + bitterness.


Every time my relationship would fall apart and I would feel bruised, belittled, judged, and alone, I thought the world was out to get me. I thought men were bad. I thought this was life…shitty people doing shitty things for no real reason.

What I didn’t know then...


And what I had to discover for myself - was that every time I was pinned to the wall by life, I was standing at a fork in the path of my life.


I could stay closed off and only date on a superficial level, holding onto blame and mistrust, or...


I could see this falling apart as the universe working in my favor. Showing me the parts of myself that need to be healed, clarified, and revisited with more honest eyes so that I can move forward and find love that does serve me.




Here's the punch-line:


You're being invited by the universe to rebuild your relationship with yourself when life with another falls apart.



Take a moment and invite in the possibility that maybe your path is also starting to unfold from a much bigger perspective.


When things are falling apart, you are being shown exactly what you really need to thrive, to love, and to be happy.


In other words, things MUST break apart to make space for what you're really meant for, for what really serves you, and what's really going to inspire you in life.


There's a Rumi poem that I want to share:


“ I say to my heart,

'not again, not a new love, all that suffering'.


The friend, who is also my heart, says,


'I bring you new wonders and beauty.


This hesitation is simply your pride'.”


This poem, I think, encapsulates what goes on when we feel like life is falling apart, we're starting to say,


"No, no, no, no, not that this is the thing I've worked so hard for!"


And something else within us is saying, “No, you DO need to let this go. This has to dissolve.”


That wiser, calmer part of you knows that this relationship was started - to some degree - out of expectation, comparison, and judgment of yourself or others.


It was started from your mind, verses from your awareness.


So it's time now to rebuild a relationship with your awareness. Your inner wisdom. Your true self.


How?


Let me show you by telling you a story about my client Stacey who experienced exactly this.


Stacey came to me because she just felt alone and unhappy with her life.


The first meeting we had she told me she was the problem in her marriage, she wasn’t doing enough as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter…


She was seeking me out to help her become “better”.


What she discovered in our work together, is that she was not broken and she didn’t need me or anyone to fix her.


She was burned out. She was out of balance. And she was CRAVING a connection to herself.


You see, Stacey had been in a 10-year relationship with a man who told her repeatedly she wasn’t enough.


He told her didn’t do enough, she was crazy, she was too committed to her career, and it made her second-guess herself.


So Stacey lacked the self-trust to speak up for herself and her toxic husband was not supportive, clearly...


As a result, her marriage lacked intimacy, communication, trust, and fun.

You could say, she had been in a state of things falling apart for the better part of 10 years.


What Stacey and I focused on was building back those qualities within herself.


  • She learned how to communicate with her own body + emotions and thoughts so she could trust herself.


  • She discovered ways of building closeness and intimacy with herself (no its not all about vibrators and self-pleasure)


  • We worked on creating self-trust through routine + healing tools that brought back the normal rhythm + balance to her body, digestion, mood + mindset.


What were the results?



12 weeks later, she filed for divorce.


She moved out.


She and her daughter now live together in what she calls her “dream home” .

She works as a nurse still and is actually happy.



Here’s why Stacey was able to go from life falling apart on repeat for a decade to healing herself and her daughter in just 3 months…


We didn’t just kick the husband to the curb + claim he sucks (we don’t hate all men over here).


We didn’t get mad + mean. We didn’t sink to the low level of his pain.


We went high, to quote Michelle Obama.


  • Stacey and I didn’t sit in the suffering of her shitty marriage.


  • We got the root of her programming and found the source of her “yes-woman” habits.


  • We uprooted those roots and replaced them with new forms of communication + new behaviors that reinforced self-respect, self-confidence, and self-trust.


  • We created room for her to dig deep while still being gentle, calm, and KIND to herself…



There's a Buddhist author Pema children who writes in her book when things fall apart, it's not enough to just suffer. At some point, you have to bring in loving kindness to your process.


And I think that that's very real. When we feel like life is falling apart, you know, we're going through a divorce, or we feel like someone's completely wronged us in some way.



And it becomes so easy to get really bitter and really angry, and it consumes us.


The truth is that suffering is not the point. Your suffering, the thing falling apart is not the point. It's what's to come after.


But you can only create something really meaningful and juicy and fulfilling after, if you invite in loving kindness towards yourself and towards the experience.


Now, it might feel difficult to do but this.


But if you can just remember, things are working for you to find what you are truly meant for, the pain will ease.


You'll be able to adjust and adapt and actually thrive in your life, on your terms for once.



This becomes possible when we rebuild our relationship to ourselves + develop self-trust.


That is the path forward.


It's an invitation for us to see what we're made of, to discover what really lives within us to get in touch with our resilience with our courage with our bravery.


If we move from a greater perspective. If we move with loving kindness towards our own healing process.


In Summary...



1. When things fall apart, it feels very scary. It feels like you're the victim. It feels like everything you've poured your heart, soul, energy into his being pulled out from underneath you. It's easy to get scared to get mad, to become bitter, resentful, and closed off.


2. When things fall apart and you're pinned to the wall by life, you're being shown what you're really meant for and what you really deserve. You're being shown that you are so much more that you deserve so much more.


3. It's okay to pause to invite in loving kindness and to trust that as things are very difficult and get support in your healing process so you don't judge, shame, and harm yourself.


4. As your programmed identities and beliefs are being pulled away, you are getting in touch with your essence. And when you get in touch with your essence, the doors to so many new ultimately fulfilling possibilities begin to open.


If you're ready to step out of the pain and into your healing journey, then let's chat.


Schedule a 30-minute Complimentary Wellness Activation Call with me (valued at $200) where we will tap into how you can receive healing for your Complete Self™ so that you can thrive and love in life.




xx,


Parinaz


P.S. Share this blog with someone you know who's going through a heartbreak!



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