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How your last relationship is keeping you from finding love and 5 steps to overcome it

Parinaz Shams| Spiritual Life Coach & Mentor

Picture this: I once booked a one-way ticket to Hawaii with the excitement of things falling into place like a perfect rom-com.

New job? Check.

A 10k pay raise? Double check.

And oh, a new dreamy guy on the scene? Triple check!

Life felt like a real-life fairytale until...cue the plot twist.

Even though it looked like I was basking in the paradise of the Hawaiian Islands, in reality, I felt like my inner world was crumbling like a melting ice cream cone on a hot day.

That relationship that looked so cute on the outside was really riddled with lies and cheating (on his part) on this inside.

It was giving me constant anxiety, to the point where I could barely eat or sleep.

In ending that relationship and quitting that job, I knew I was doing the right thing for myself in the moment, but the pain and trauma of these events lingered and manifested as trust issues for a long, long time after.

For years, I could replay in vivid detail the harsh words he said to me.

The painful lies he told and how it felt in my gut when I realized the lie.

Time went on, but my mind and nervous system's memory of that past pain did not move on.

Truth: Past relationship pains can sneak up like a sneaky ninja, even when we think we've got it all together.

Even when you crave connection and are actively putting yourself out there in the pursuit of love, the weight of past relationship pain can completely stall your progress.

It can manifest as an unconscious fear of being hurt again, leading to self-protective behaviors that hinder you from fully embracing love and vulnerability.

For me, it led to me acting like I didn't care even when I definitely did.

It led to me shutting down and pushing the person away. Becoming cold, less communicative and open to them.

The self-isolation, big ego, pretend-nonchalance all boiled down to self-protection. It boiled down to not wanting to be wounded again. The fears were more about my past than they were about the person in front of me...

It took me a lot of years to disentangle my fears from my past pains from my sense of worthiness.

Remember: These fears are powerful and fierce, but they are not indicative of your worthiness or the potential of a new relationship.

A friend and wise therapist said to me once: "While the wound that you carry - all those fears and the defensive patterns that stem from them - are likely not your fault, healing your inner wounds is your responsibility."

For the last 5 years, I've worked to take on that responsibility with as much courage and self-compassion as I could.

It's how I've slowly and organically broken free from the shackles of the past and opened myself up to love that feels soul-nourishing.

Here are 5 things I've practiced over the years that have really worked for me. I share these same steps with my clients to release their past pain and open to true connection.

  1. Clarify Your Fears: The first step towards healing is acknowledging the fears that hold you back. You might find yourself saying, "I'm giving them chances," but deep down, you're only partially opening up due to the fear of being hurt again. Understand that these fears are rooted in your past pain, and they are not a reflection of your value or the quality of your current relationship. Clarity is the first "C" in my 3-C's coaching framework. Without clarity on the roots of your fears, you'll get nowhere.

  2. Embrace Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you confront these fears. Remind yourself that past wounds were not your fault, but healing them is your responsibility. Self-compassion allows you to nurture and support yourself through the healing process without judgment or self-criticism. This is part of clarity. Allowing yourself to be kind to yourself is hard, but when you are able to, you're seeing yourself clearly rather than from a place of pain.

  3. Embrace Meditation: Meditation is a powerful practice to cultivate self-awareness and inner peace. Through Tantra meditation specifically, you can observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment, creating space to heal and release past pain. I teach my clients this tool in the second phase of my coaching program, "Courage".

  4. Practice Somatic Healing Yoga: Somatic healing yoga is a transformative practice that addresses trauma and stress stored in the body's nervous system. By engaging in this practice, you can release emotional tension and foster a deeper connection with your body, helping you overcome past wounds and fears. This, combined with Tantra Meditation, will give you the consistency, the final "C" in my coaching framework to remain true to yourself and present in the moment.

  5. Seek Guidance from a Mentor: Working with a mentor or coach can provide invaluable support and guidance on your journey to healing. They can help you navigate your emotions, offer insights into your patterns, and provide tools to build courage and self-awareness. I've worked closely with mentors for the last 5 years. Without their support and guidance, this journey would have been way more painful and challenging.

Healing past relationship pain is a courageous journey of self-awareness and self-compassion. It requires us to confront our fears, acknowledge our wounds, and take responsibility for our healing.

By working with mentors, practicing meditation, and embracing somatic healing yoga, you can release the weight of the past and open ourselves up to authentic love.

Remember, your past does not define your future, and with courage and self-awareness, you can embrace your true essence and attract the love you crave.

If you're ready to embark on this transformative journey towards self-discovery and healing, I invite you to book a clarity call with me.

Together, we can explore your path to embracing love and unlocking your true potential.

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